feeling desire, feeling tired, hungry, too

Like many other mornings when I didn’t have to work this month, I woke up today and didn’t want to leave bed. I felt the scratchiness in my throat, the soreness of my bones, and the heaviness in my head that plagues me through grey days of March. March is that month when the grass hasn’t fully grown back yet and the ground is so soggy and brown from the cold and wet days of winter. March is when a handful of days of the month decide to be warm and late-spring-like, but you cannot truly bask in the teaser for summer because of the mud and the barren trees. It’s possible the only thing that gets me out of bed for those thirty-one days is the prospect of spring.

It’s also possible that I am in the March of my life. The idea of financial stability has colored my head with the ideas of ease and progress. As someone who was never been fed from a silver spoon, I get discouraged easily. Life has been known to pull the rug out from under me unexpectedly so much that it should be expected by now, but I somehow always found a way to either land on my feet– or at least get up after lying on the ground for a bit.

So it’s a cycle. Bad things happen and then some good things happen and sometimes they keep happening and then bad things happen again. I’m aware of my mortality more than ever lately, but that’s a double-edged sword. Thinking of death makes me apathetic to life when it is always a losing battle for me, but often times it makes want to go grab exactly what I want and make this life just how I want it to be.

I did get up today. I had planned to hide from my thoughts at the beach with my book. I stepped into the shower and put on my March playlist. Uncharacteristically, I haven’t made April’s yet. ‘Falling’ by Haim came on. I have listened to this song, according to my iTunes library, 44 times since October 3rd. Today, though, the lyrics ‘if it gets rough, it’s time to get rough’ floated through the heaviness in my head with a clamor like never before and I repeated it aloud to myself as I finished my morning routine.

So today I am going to work on my beauty site which I have felt so discouraged about lately. I’m going to tell myself I still do have a chance at that job I want and a week from now when I have the interview I will go in with a week’s worth of confidence built up. I’m feeling desire, I’m tired, but I’m hungry, too. If I don’t get this job I will get something else.

It’s April now. Spring’s here and my situation still isn’t ideal. All life is, I guess, is situations and how we deal with them. Maybe life is all about the hows and not the whats or wheres or with whoms. I might not get the job. I might continue to be hindered by my environment. I don’t know. But I do know it’s time to get rough.

 

instructions

send the sun running in another direction;
make fate tremble in its boots;
compel the sky to open itself up to you;
leave the ocean in awe;
and mark your own words.
dance on fallen leaves, because their death is nothing to mourn.
sweet or bitter,
concentrate upon the moments of life
that are but a moment.
always be big,
and then…
be bigger.

I’m Afreud so.

It started in elementary school. I’d pass time in class by quietly unscrewing the bottom piece of my mechanical pencils, examining each part that made it work, and then carefully putting it back together. I looked to see what made the thin lead come out of the end I wrote with when I pushed down on the eraser. I’d try to write without the bottom cap on. Sometimes it would work. I liked to try different brands of mechanical pencils. My classmates had the fancy pencils with grips and long adjustable erasers. I’d take those apart and watch the mechanism that made the lead come out of those pencils. I’d test which pencils would work with different-sized pieces of lead. I’d try to use them with and without specific parts. I could pay attention to my fifth-grade teacher’s lesson on world explorers whilst repeatedly taking apart my pencils. I was a master at ensuring none of the parts fell on the white, dusty floors of my elementary school.

When I got to middle school, I began to use pens in class. Pens were fun. It was definitely an upgrade from mechanical pencils. At this point, I had mastered mechanical pencils, so now it was time to move on to the complexities that were ink pens. There were so many different types of pens, so many different kinds of ink. How did they retract? How could I replace the ink in this pen? What about those complicated ones with different colors of ink in them? I took them all apart. Then I would put them all back together. In between asking my teachers about tectonic plates and the Pythagorean theorem, I was meticulously learning the mechanics of writing utensils. They were something I used so often and so intimately, and I just wanted to know exactly how they worked.

So, yeah, I’ve always been this way.

my new project

Photo Feb 18, 8 36 28 PM

It’s quite obvious I have a passion for blogging, but a passion of mine I never really get truly be productive with is beauty. So, I found a way to blend the two: I started a beauty site called ELLE BELLE BEAUTY.

I have been working on this for a while and will be working on continually. I am really excited about this because it’s something I truly love to do, and I have enough time to do it.

The goal of the site is to be a place where people can go to learn and share about beauty tips and tricks without completely emptying their pockets. Makeup is something that is fun for me and something that helped me feel better about myself. If I could help others achieve that, that would just be superb!

I’m not sure what it means for this blog. I don’t even know where that site will be going! But that’s the fun part about blogging: it’s not permanent, it’s completely mine, and I have all the creative freedom I want. There’s no timeframe. Of course I’m going to keep having the same thoughts that I write for this blog, so I don’t anticipate much change for this blog, other than the possibility of less posts. We’ll see! I still will be making YouTube videos weekly because that’s a totally different passion I am currently pursuing.

I feel better about being alive when I am working on something creative, and building this site has definitely been a place for me to channel my creativity, work on my blogging skills, and talk about beauty and cosmetics.

I very much appreciate the fact that anyone is interested in any of the content I put online. There’s a lot of me on this weird, wonderful place and I’m quite excited. Hope you are, too.

the better of two halves

My latest video. This blog got a mention!

Since this video is all about what I’ve learned, I want to share something else I realized today. Sometimes on the good days your body still doesn’t feel like your own and your words feel like a recording of someone who wants to be you. The reflection in the mirror looks you over like a stranger on the subway and the inner monologue you know to be yours has been replaced by some malicious creature, whispering thoughts that you know are not yours.

You can feel it coming in the morning and it’s present all day. You can try to ignore this foreigner inside of you with songs and sweets, but the heaviness in your bones remains. There is no distinct thing about you that is off; everything you are is so slightly shifted the wrong way. You can feel it in the words you let slip past your lips and you can sense it in the analysis you keep doing of your interactions with others today. You can feel it in the way you keep forgetting your phone exists and how you choose to ignore messages from friends. Thankfully, you know that today is just a day. One sleep is just the antidote you need. But this other, malignant half of you wonders, what if you’ll need two? You silence that self as you change the station on the radio.

These visits from the familiar stranger that is a spiteful version of yourself can come as often as you let them. Today I dealt with this other side of me because I’m a little exhausted. I have spent a lot of time worrying for someone else, and like a prisoner slipping past the guards because they had fallen asleep on duty, this foe snuck into my psyche. It’s alright, though. That dark part of me only got today, but all of my tomorrows…those are completely mine.

A song I recommend for when this happens: Jejune Stars by Bright Eyes

ps this is the best tweet ive ever done. i just wanted to add this.