Like many other mornings when I didn’t have to work this month, I woke up today and didn’t want to leave bed. I felt the scratchiness in my throat, the soreness of my bones, and the heaviness in my head that plagues me through grey days of March. March is that month when the grass hasn’t fully grown back yet and the ground is so soggy and brown from the cold and wet days of winter. March is when a handful of days of the month decide to be warm and late-spring-like, but you cannot truly bask in the teaser for summer because of the mud and the barren trees. It’s possible the only thing that gets me out of bed for those thirty-one days is the prospect of spring.
It’s also possible that I am in the March of my life. The idea of financial stability has colored my head with the ideas of ease and progress. As someone who was never been fed from a silver spoon, I get discouraged easily. Life has been known to pull the rug out from under me unexpectedly so much that it should be expected by now, but I somehow always found a way to either land on my feet– or at least get up after lying on the ground for a bit.
So it’s a cycle. Bad things happen and then some good things happen and sometimes they keep happening and then bad things happen again. I’m aware of my mortality more than ever lately, but that’s a double-edged sword. Thinking of death makes me apathetic to life when it is always a losing battle for me, but often times it makes want to go grab exactly what I want and make this life just how I want it to be.
I did get up today. I had planned to hide from my thoughts at the beach with my book. I stepped into the shower and put on my March playlist. Uncharacteristically, I haven’t made April’s yet. ‘Falling’ by Haim came on. I have listened to this song, according to my iTunes library, 44 times since October 3rd. Today, though, the lyrics ‘if it gets rough, it’s time to get rough’ floated through the heaviness in my head with a clamor like never before and I repeated it aloud to myself as I finished my morning routine.
So today I am going to work on my beauty site which I have felt so discouraged about lately. I’m going to tell myself I still do have a chance at that job I want and a week from now when I have the interview I will go in with a week’s worth of confidence built up. I’m feeling desire, I’m tired, but I’m hungry, too. If I don’t get this job I will get something else.
It’s April now. Spring’s here and my situation still isn’t ideal. All life is, I guess, is situations and how we deal with them. Maybe life is all about the hows and not the whats or wheres or with whoms. I might not get the job. I might continue to be hindered by my environment. I don’t know. But I do know it’s time to get rough.